


A Not-So Modest Proposal

by SilverPrince



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-08
Updated: 2011-12-08
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:05:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverPrince/pseuds/SilverPrince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave has an idea. Karkat can't say no. Now they just have to get John to say yes. Hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Not-So Modest Proposal

**Author's Note:**

> Just something small I wrote on a whim as a little gift for a friend of mine. I don't actually ship this - yet, anyway - but I think it turned out well! Enjoy.

“So Karkat.”

Karkat jumped about three inches off the couch. He whipped his head around and stared up at Dave, who had seriously just appeared out of fucking nowhere. Karkat hated it when he did that, it meant he was up to something. “What?” He barked.

“Let’s have a threesome.”

The troll was taken so far aback he fell off the couch, literally. Dave allowed himself the indulgence of a chuckle as Karkat shot up from the ground, his face burning bright red. “I- Wha- with who?”

The corners of Dave’s lips upturned. “Good answer.” He pointed his thumb back over his shoulder. “With Egbert, naturally.”

Karkat’s face turned even redder. “I-”

Dave tilted his head down and slid his sunglasses down his nose just far enough for Karkat to see the scarlet in his irises. “Don’t tell me you don’t want it. Running your hands down his soft, supple skin. Cupping his luscious ass, feeling it jiggle ever so slightly at your quivering touch, running your fangs along his shoulder and hearing his breath hitch in agonized delight…” Dave bit his lip and moaned softly. “Oh Karkat,” he said in falsetto that only Dave Strider could make sexual. “Please, stuff your tentacles up my innocent, virgin-”

“Enough!” Karkat was holding his crossed arms so tightly to his chest he would probably bruise. He couldn’t meet Dave’s gaze, so he was staring at the ratty Converse sneakers on Dave’s feet. “Fine.”

Dave chuckled. “Damn, you’re easy.” An index finger deftly pushed his sunglasses back up and he spun around on one foot. “Now, the hard part: getting Egderp in on it.”

“You didn’t-”

“Shoosh,” Dave mocked. “Just follow my lead.” He walked towards the kitchen with significantly more swagger in his step. His hips rocked side to side. How could Karkat say no to following a view like that? Thank Mother Grub for skinny jeans.

In contrast to the dimly lit living room where Karkat and Dave skulked around, the kitchen was bright, with gleaming countertops that smelled of lemons and love. “Hi, guys!” John grinned at them, peeking over the open refrigerator door. “I’m just getting dinner around. I figured, maybe, lamb chops? I ran to the store and got some fresh asparagus, so that should be good, oh, and I figured maybe some Spanish rice on the side, what do you think?”

“Sounds delicious,” Dave said, hopping up onto the counter opposite John. Karkat leaned on the doorframe, crossing his arms again.

“Spicy,” Karkat added, looking over at Dave.

“Great!” John said, pulling several bottles of something or other from the fridge. “It’ll be a while though, I’ve gotta brush the chops… we’re out of rosemary! I had to settle with oregano, which is a bit bolder than I usually like…”

“Aw, John,” Dave said with a tut. “You gotta go bold. I love a man who cooks on the wild side.”

“Live a little,” Karkat said. “Be exciting.”

John whistled to himself as he rummaged through various cupboards to find a cutting board. “Think six will be enough for the five of us? I know Rose and Kanaya won’t eat much but you will eat more than plenty,” John said, shaking the basting brush at Karkat.

“What can I say? I’m voracious. Can’t contain myself,” Karkat said, dropping his arms long enough to shrug. He walked in and leaned in front of the sink.

“You know, John, I never realized just how much work you put into dinner.” Dave tilted his head to the side.

John grinned, his cheeks tinged with pink. “Aw, it’s nothing! I love cooking, as long as it isn’t baking!”

“No, I think we’ve been pretty under-appreciative, haven’t we Karkat?”

“Definitely,” Karkat said, grinning.

That unmistakable Egbert giggle split the air. “You guys! Are you up to something? Did you get me a present or something?” His buck teeth protruded over his lips as he smiled.

The conspirators shared a glance; Dave arched an eyebrow, and then they turned back to John in unison. “Oh, that’s a fair assumption,” Dave said.

“Wellllllll, it’ll have to wait until after dinner!” John shook the basting brush at Dave this time. “I’m a busy man! Lamb chops wait for no man!”

“Wait a fucking minute, Egbert!” Karkat suddenly shouted. Even Dave looked confused.

John, startled, dropped the brush and looked over at the troll. “What is it?”

Karkat walked to the other side of the kitchen and yanked an apron down from the hook. “You can’t make a decent meal with out this, dipshit!”

“Goodness,” John said. “You had me scared for a second! But you’re breaking out the swears again, so it must be important to you!”

“Mmm, I like it when you talk like that baby,” Dave crooned.

John threw the apron over his head and turned back to the cutting board.

“Let me help you with that,” Karkat said softly, walking up behind him. Allowing his fingers to drag across John’s waist, he tied the apron’s strings. “Good?” Karkat’s mouth was inches from John’s ear.

“I think you need to kiss the cook,” John said, his voice layered with sensuality. Karkat placed his hands on John’s waist again, turning him around and then pushing him back against the counter, leaning into him as he pressed his lips to John’s.

“BLUH!” John flailed and shoved Karkat away from him. The troll flew clear across the kitchen and crashed right next to Dave, whose sunglasses fell from his face and clattered onto the linoleum floor. “I thought you were being silly!” The boy’s face was tomato red, and he looked from Karkat to Dave frantically.

“I said follow my lead, fuckass,” Dave said, jumping down to pick up his sunglasses. “Look, John, we should be honest. We actually came in here in a quickly contrived plot to get you in bed between us as soon as possible.”

John, lips parted as his jaw hung open in confusion, stared with narrow eyes at Dave. “I can’t tell if you’re joking, or if…”

“Cross my heart,” Dave said. He took off his sunglasses and stuffed them in his pocket, staring directly into John’s blue eyes, bright as the sky out the window. “Come on. Karkat got his hopes up and everything.”

John smirked. “After dinner,” he said firmly.

“Come on, Egbert, I can’t fuck on a full stomach! And you know how irritable Karkat gets when he’s digesting.”

“Dave?”

“Yes, John?”

“Are you begging me?”

“… Pardon?”

“Are you begging me to fuck you and your boyfriend? Because you sure sound desperate.” There was a spark in his eye. A wry grin on his face Dave had never seen before. “Karkat, don’t you think?”

Karkat stood next to John, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Gosh, John, what do you think might happen if we made him just watch while we did it?”

“Ohoho, you’re some kind of monster, Karkat,” John cooed.

Dave’s jaw dropped for a moment, then he stood up rigidly in composure and angrily pointed at the two… but the retort never came.

“Dave, you little whore,” Karkat said.

“You’re hard already!” John said.

Dave looked down, blushing, but there was a distinct lack of pitched tent.

“Made you look,” John said with a smirk.

“Okay John, I’m begging you. Please grant Karkat and I the high honor of fucking you. It is nothing more than our greatest dream and wish to pleasure you in unison, oh mighty Heir.”

John looked at his wrist. “We have one hour.”

“We can make the most of it. I’m good with time management,” Dave said.

“Oh, and Karkat?” John turned to stare right at the troll. “I look forward to you stuffing your tentacles up my innocent, virgin ass.”

Dave and Karkat stared.

“I have ears, you know,” John said. “God, you guys are pretty terrible at picking up a guy for a threesome.”


End file.
